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- ❌ worst. compliment. EVER. (part 2)
Today’s Habit Example brought to you by Joelle Kaufman from GTMFlow:
Are you ready to be a high-impact problem solver?
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(Bonus: because Joelle loves this newsletter, she wanted to give back by also offering a free 1:1 leadership problem solving strategy session to Habit Examples readers only.)
Over two years ago, I wrote about the worst compliment ever:
“You’re so smart!”
It was based heavily on Carol Dweck’s studies on growth mindset vs fixed mindset in children.
After seven experiments with hundreds of children, we had some of the clearest findings I’ve ever seen: Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance. How can that be? Don’t children love to be praised? Yes, children love praise. And they especially love to be praised for their intelligence and talent. It really does give them a boost, a special glow—but only for the moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they’re smart, then failure means they’re dumb. That’s the fixed mindset.
(spoiler: this doesn’t just apply to kids)
The antidote?
Praise effort - not intelligence.
The problem is, if you’re not used to praising effort, it feels (and sounds) awkward when you first start trying.
After 2 years of switching my own language, here’s a few examples you can try with your kids, coworkers, friends, or even your spouse:
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Bad Example (Fixed Mindset) | Good Example (Growth Mindset) |
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You’re so smart! | Dang, you worked hard on that! |
You’re a natural at this! | You’ve been practicing, haven’t you? |
You’re amazing at math! | Love seeing how you stick with it till you find the answer. |
You’re a talented artist! | Wow, you’ve come a long way as an artist. |
You’re a gifted writer! | Your writing just gets better every day. |
You’re such a fast runner! | All those miles are really making a difference. |
Everything comes so easily to you! | I can tell you’ve been putting in hard work in everything you do. |
You’re a natural-born leader! | You’ve done so much to bring this team together. |
You always get it right the first time! | All that preparation is clearly paying off. |
You’re perfect! | You’re getting better every day! |
Pick 1 or 2 of these to try today with someone you care about.
See how it feels for you to say, and for them to receive that compliment.
From personal experience, I’ve noticed a difference in their response when I compliment their hard work.
It’s like they finally feel seen, and all their efforts are finally acknowledged.
Remember:
If success is innate, effort feels pointless.
If success is earned, effort becomes everything.
Got a compliment you’re not sure how to convert it into being effort-focused?
Hit reply and let me know!
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BRAIN SNACKS
🎶 This could be the moment (song)
💪 This kills that (Twitter)
🎁 The 5-step process to high impact problem solving (Guide + Free Strategy Session)
📝 7,665 things Shiree Best is grateful for (Habit Example from 1 year ago)
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“Mom, Would you rather have ice cream or a really pretty rainbow sky?”
— My 5-year-old
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What did you think of today’s habit example? |
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- Kody
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P.S. These take 3 hours to research, write, and design. It only takes you 3 seconds to share.