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Today the guy teaching at church shared a weird question he asked ChatGPT:

“What would be your plan to make society hopeless?”

The AI responded with an 8-step plan. (kinda creepy, I know)

What’s odd is it didn’t mention things like poverty, war, or divisive politics.

Step 1 of the plan was simply “Endlessly critique and criticize everything the people do.”

The other 7 steps were equally as simple, but I wanna just focus on #1 since it was so shocking.

It immediately struck me that this is the same step #1 you’d take to cause your spouse or child to feel hopeless as well.

Really, any relationship.

I mean, what’s more discouraging than working hard on a project, only for the immediate response to be pointing out everything wrong with your hard work?

Or to be striving to be better in one area of your life, only for someone to call out everywhere else you’re failing?

It’s demoralizing!

“But Kody, are you saying we can’t ever give constructive criticism?”

Of course not.

But if you actually want that person to:

1. Listen

2. Try your advice

3. Not resent you

There’s a more tactful way to go about it.

It’s called the compliment sandwich. (and yes, it’s gluten free)

When your spouse, child, or someone you care about is doing something that you think could be done better…

Instead of saying something like: “Gosh dang-it Kody, why didn’t you scrub the dishes better?”

…try this instead:

• Open with a genuine, specific compliment.

  • Example: “Hey Kody, thank you so much for doing the dishes without me even asking. I really appreciate it!”

• Insert a kindly worded suggestion for how they might try it differently next time

  • Example: “Next time, would you mind just scrubbing the dishes a bit more thoroughly? The dishwasher has a hard time getting off the gunk.”

• Close with a final, specific compliment.

  • Example: “Oh and thanks for helping clean up dinner too. It really makes it easier when we do it together!”

(Notice how the critique is future focused about what they can do next time, rather than simply commenting on what they did wrong this time)

Depending on the state of your relationship, uttering those compliments might be a challenge… and require some serious humility.

That person in your life may genuinely be doing a lot of things wrong.

But they’re also doing something right.

And that “something right” not only deserves recognition, but is the path to them caring to listen about what else you think they could do right.

The compliment sandwich may not guarantee change, but it’s a heck of a lot more possible than when you just make them feel like crap.

One final pro tip: If you want them to truly internalize your advice, your compliment sandwich must come from a real place of both sincerity, and belief that you’re only saying this because you believe in them and know they can do it.

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- Kody

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P.S. These take 3 hours to research, write, and design. It only takes you 3 seconds to share.