For the first time ever, I’m pretty sure I burned more calories than I ate on Thanksgiving thanks to 2 hours of playing football and 4 hours of volleyball with family and friends! My legs were not happy about it afterwards though 😅

Hope you enjoyed your weekend and made memories with people you love.

Now, enjoy today’s Habit Example!

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Last Saturday, we were out for dessert with almost all my in-laws (my wife has 8 brothers and 1 sister).

Since almost half of them are married, someone suggested we each take a turn giving advice to my brother-in-law and his fiancé who are getting married in December.

So much wisdom was shared in so short a time!

Naturally, I couldn’t help but pass on some of the insights to you.

(But before you say “eh, I’m not married” or “my marriage is fine” - if you pay attention you’ll notice most of these are simply good people skills.)

1. Go to bed angry.

Okay, so obviously don’t make it a goal to go to bed angry. But contrary to the popular advice of “never go to bed angry”, sometimes sleep is exactly what you need to come back to the argument conversation with fresh eyes and a clear mind!

2. If you want something, say it.

Many of the women in our group talked about how they spent years of frustration assuming their husband somehow magically knew what they wanted for birthdays, anniversaries, or even just breakfast! What they all agreed on was that it’s a silly waste of time to expect something without saying it out loud. Each couple who gave up on uncommunicated expectations said things have gone way more smoothly since then.

3. Never say never. Or always. Or everyone.

How often is it factually accurate when we use absolute language?

• “You never do the dishes”

• “Everyone knows ___”

• “I take care of everything in our house”

Rarely.

And if it’s not factual, it’s manipulative at worst, and arrogant at best.

4. Count your blessings, not your contributions.

I’ll make a single exception to habit #3 in order to say that I have never witnessed a single circumstance where quantifying and comparing each person’s contributions in the relationships ended well.

• “I’ve changed 7 diapers today alone”

• “Well, I was working at my job for 12 hours!”

• “But I’ve done the laundry alone the past 3 weeks!”

You will never be able to balance the equation for 3 reasons:

1. You’re comparing apples to oranges to avocados to watermelons. It doesn’t translate!

2. You’re both biased to feel like you do more because while you see all of your own contributions, you only witness a fraction of theirs.

3. Comparing is based in either pride, or shame, or both. There’s no good outcome.

Just don’t do it.

Instead, own up to your shortcomings ask what you can do to be better.

5. Talk about tough stuff when you’re NOT mad.

When things aren’t talked about, they end up coming up in a fight.

So why not get ahead of the game?

When you’re both in a good mood (and free of distractions), bring up those tough topics.

Start by creating a safe space:

“I’d love to talk more about our budget. We both want to feel heard, understood, and ultimately confident about where our money is going. I promise to not get offended or interrupt you. Are you cool to do the same?”

You might try setting a timer to talk for 30 or 45 minutes, and if it’s not resolved by then you can take a break and come back later in the day or tomorrow - but only if you’re in a stable metal space and again agree to creating a safe space.

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Try it

1. Pick just one of the tips to try this week

2. Talk to your spouse (or the person in whatever relationship you want to improve) and let them know what YOU are going to do to be better

3. After a week, talk to them about what went well, what didn’t, and what you’ll do next to keep trying

Hint: No matter how much you think the other person is the problem, the only actions you have total control over are your own. Control the controllables. As you get better, more often than not the other person will naturally wanna be better too..

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Whether you’re married or not, what advice would you give my brother-in-law before he gets married? I promise to pass on every answer shared!

Just hit reply and share away 😄 

- Kody

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P.S. This took 3 hours to research and write. It only takes you 3 seconds to share.